Mrs. Figg - Not Just a Cat Lover
by sparkliez
Summary: Umm...this is just kind of...bizarre...I don't even know if I know how to do comedy...so is this romance? I dunno...Mrs. Figg has a sort of...Harry fetish >:)


Hihi! I have no clue where the idea for this story came from...it just...kinda popped in my head. And I couldn't just let is SIT there! It was dying to be put onto paper...so here we go...

*sparkliez*

Disclaimer: All the HP characters belong to the superwoman known as JK Rowling. Mrs. Figg's cats are of my own invention.

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Mrs. Figg - More Than Just a Cat Lover

I sat on the loveseat in my living room caressing Paws - one of my many feline friends - with my hand. My heart was beating so fast I was afraid it was going to pop out of my chest. Harry had just left - today had been Dudley's birthday and those horrible Dursleys had left Harry to stay here, with me. Well...it wasn't horrible for me. I was blessed with the opportunity to be graced by the presence of Harry Potter. Ooh, he made me sweat. Just a glance into his dazzling green eyes could send me into hysterics. 

When I first laid eyes on him, back when he was just a little boy, I knew he would grow up to be one handsome man. Those Dursleys were always looking to get rid of him - and I was more than happy to take him. They probably thought me a lunatic. Well, maybe I am...but that's a different story. 

Today had been a day like any other - except for the fact that Harry Potter was to arrive soon. I bathed all of my kitties (twenty-seven, to be exact) and adorned them with cute little bows. Hopefully he would notice how sophisticated I was. Why, I even dressed up my cats! That, in my opinion, is sophistication at the highest level. 

He arrived at my front door to the sound of squealing tires (the Dursleys) and was looking glum with his hands in his pockets. Oh how darling he was!

"Hello Harry, dear," I said, trying to sound lustful, batting my eyelashes at him. 

"Hi Mrs. Figg," he said quietly, wrinkling up his nose. How cute!

"Do come in," I said, with the air of a fairy godmother. 

Shuffling inside, he walked into the living room and sat down on the couch, nearly missing Patty, a calico. She leapt up in surprise and ran off to the kitchen, her tail held high. Apparently Harry was quite used to this behavior because he didn't seem to take notice. Oh, that poor, poor boy. 

"So...Harry," I tiptoed over and sat down quite close to him, breathing in his scent. God, he smelled good. "What have you been up to lately?"

"I, uh..." Harry scooted toward the other end of the couch. "Nothing...nothing."

"Interesting..." I murmured, scooting over next to him again. "What would you like to do today?"

He furrowed his brow and slid down the couch a few more inches. "Just hoping to...watch some TV, Mrs. Figg. Are...you okay?"

"Mmmm? Oh...yes, I'm wonderful, Harry," I said, breathing deeply. "Would you perhaps like something to drink? To eat? I baked you a cake...chocolate...your favorite." 

"Yes," he said quickly. "Yes, that'd be great."

Jumping up from the couch, I ran to the kitchen. Yes, Harry wanted something to drink, something to eat. Get him something! Hurry! Don't keep him waiting! Rummaging through the refrigerator I grabbed a can of Sprite. On my way back to the living room I passed a mirror. My, how disheveled I looked! On second thought...his food could wait. 

I dashed upstairs to the bathroom. Finding a can of hairspray, I used it to its full extent and fluffed up my hair. Yes, yes, this was good - my new beehive hairstyle was downright sexy. I pulled open a draw and selected a tube of lipstick - Blood Red #01. After applying many layers of lipstick, I backed away from the mirror a bit and fluttered my eyelashes while pursing my lips. Yes, this would definitely turn any guy on, if he had any taste in women at all. 

Before re-entering the living room I grabbed the can of Sprite and a plateful of chocolate cake for my love. 

"Harry, I've got your food," I said, sitting back down on the couch and handing him the Sprite. I, meanwhile, held onto the plate of cake. 

Harry's eyes widened as he slowly grabbed the can. Apparently his aunt and uncle hadn't been feeding him properly - I could see the starved look in his eyes! He popped the top off the Sprite and I admired his hands - how manly they were! I found myself gazing at his face...

"Um...Mrs. Figg? Mrs. Figg?"

"Oh! Yes, Harry?" I smiled warmly.

"Could I..have some cake?" 

"Call me Miranda, Harry, Miranda. Yes, of course you can have some cake, here..." I picked up the fork and cut off a small chunk. Raising the fork, I brought it forward and gently slid it into his pink, tender lips...they looked so soft, smooth...

I was jerked out of my thoughts by a loud choking sound. Harry, my love, was choking! I patted him rather hard on the back and cake went flying across the room. I made a mental note to pick it up later - I would have to add it to my collection of things. I already had a lock of his hair, a sock, and even some of his saliva.

"I, um...need to go to the bathroom," Harry jumped from the couch and ran off in the direction of the bathroom. 

I sighed and held a hand to my chest. The poor boy...he probably wasn't used to being around a woman so beautiful and riveting as me. Smoothing my hair a bit, I waited for his return. Much to my dismay, he didn't return for another whole hour. 

I myself had fallen asleep. My dreams were being haunted by a pair of shockingly green eyes when a loud knock at the door jerked me out of my sleep. My love jumped up from where he had been sitting on a chair and ran to the door. It was Mr. Dursley.

"Uh...bye Mrs. Figg...thanks..." and he departed at the speed of someone running away from a scary creature. 

"Oh Paws..." I whispered into my kitty's ear, "We'll get him next time, won't we?"

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Was that rather dumb? I hope not...it just feels good to get that out...review! It does me a world of good...:) It's 1:15 AM...I am surprisingly cheerful... :D


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